BODY, BOdy, Body

12/23/2011

My body is brewing a baby.
In June I started working an Anorexia Bulimia Anonymous program and found a new love of my life, Joshua. If you have seen my blog at all you will have seen that I tried to make my life anew in California and it just wasn’t in the cards. It was however in the cards in Kansas. So here we are…newlyweds…pregnant…living in the Midwest.

As far as my body and all I struggle with it is a constant struggle still.  I am so glad to have found a program that is helping in my recovery and my overall health for this pregnancy and baby.

Now, that being said, this is not easy. I long for, miss, am jealous of those that get to workout, get to see food as food and nothing more. Working full time, being in the hospitality business I see women that look like I did  a year ago and I honestly get a pang of jealousy that they still “get” to control their life  that way. So strange that I feel that but my disease is a living disease that I will fight the rest of my life. I may hit a plateau where I don’t long to workout for hours on end, get rid of every ounce of fat on my body, don’t count every single calorie I take in and burn, don’t want to throw up after every single thing I eat.  I am not there yet. Unfortunately.

I should love the changes that have come with pregnancy…big boobs, a round butt (whether it’s fat or muscle or a mix of both). Having a healthy glow. I do love them sometimes. Other times I feel my body, catch a glimpse of something and feel disgust. I wish that would leave me. Truly leave me. Until that happens I have a support system in place that is helping me deal and be healthy.
I am SO grateful for that…but I can’t wait to get back to the gym after the baby is born

 

4/7/2011

Motivation has seriously been lacking lately.
I knew a plateau was coming because I haven’t been doing well with food at all. Not with eating too little but with eating too much and then purging. Say one emotional thing to me & I open my eyes realizing I have been eating the last 10 minutes and don’t know how I started. I just went in to the kitchen for a cup of coffee or water! Fuck.

I used to be able to guilt myself out of bingeing. I am so cheap that the cost of wasting the food was enough to stop me most of the time. Not so much anymore. The last month has been horrible. I am now in a serious evaluation period and doing my best to change habits, including the foods that are my staples that I don’t purge. There are maybe 3-4 ‘meals’ that fall in to that category. I need variety but every time I try I go overboard.

I don’t know, I am just tired of it. It takes too much time.

And water. Damn if I haven’t been horrible about not getting enough water. The tap water at work is so bad, I take a gallon jug of water from here because it’s sweet and perfect from the well. Unfortunately, I take the entire gallon home with me just to bring it back to work the next day.

My muscles are depleting themselves, which I knew they would do, trying to make up for my lack of nutrition. I have extended my stomach so it’s not as elastic as it was and even when it’s empty I don’t feel empty. That right there has kind of been the thing that is driving the physical panic over getting all the food I eat out of me. It’s just not working like it did months ago. So now what? I am not stupid. I am actually very, very smart when it comes to nutrition and what I need to do. The compulsion is the issue. No, I am not going to the doctor again. No, I am not going to see a counselor. I have pulled myself out of this before and I can do it again. I did ask a friend for help but that isn’t going to happen then way it would need to happen for it to work.

My brother tells me baby steps are what’s needed. I know that. I, and my body, can’t do any major changes. Cold turkey most definitely does not work. Getting back in the habit of actually drinking the water should be priority #1. I think staying out of the kitchen completely may be a smart thing. Unfortunately that is where the coffee lives!! And I have to fix dinner for the family the nights I don’t work. And I really do need food to live, I just have to change up which foods. Maybe it’s time to try the veggie smoothie again. Bad spinach gave me food poisoning and let me tell you, the involuntary kind of throwing up sucks, totally different than the voluntary kind. Weird, I know.

I have a good stock of veggies and fruit right now, I think tomorrow a veggie smoothie will be my meal before the gym and work.

Oh good lord. Did I mention food at work? Vending candy bars? Fuck me, I didn’t eat candy bars for YEARS and now all I want is one of each kind. Now. Eat them all now. Then just get rid of them & it’ll be fine. Blech.
And cereal, there are my favorite cereals all right there for the bingeing. And what’s my job? Oh yes, front desk clerk and KITCHEN/BREAKFAST maintenance, keeper, hostess, cleaner-upper lady. When I work the B shift from 4-midnight it’s not so bad. I keep myself busy messing around on Ravelry for the most part.

Honestly, my brain has reverted back to wanting to lose weight. My view of my body has become distorted again and I am seeing myself in a way that my logical, smart brain says is not the truth but the fucked up, emotional, controlling side says there is so much wrong here just get rid of it all.
What a fucked up way to think. I love my body being strong, healthy, beautiful to me. I was so close to having that in January/February. Then a switch got flipped and I flipped with it. Now there are more life issues I am dealing with. More emotions, more planning, more decision making and let’s not forget the everyday life of living here. I have tried to make friends. I have casual friends, acquaintances, work buddies. Nobody I can talk to and cry. No, I lie. I had 3 people, 2 of them just moved to North Dakota to work the oil fields. The third I work with and she’s great but honestly, not someone I would be friends with if we didn’t work together. Judgemental of me? Maybe but I am 99% sure she feels the same way, that’s why we’ve never done anything outside of work even when the opportunity arises. It works for us the way it is.

Damn, I did not know I had that much to blabber on about.`

I thought I was just sitting down to check ravelry and knit for the night. Not.

3/16/2011

I think I need somewhere to document my progress and goals with my body!

I have come to love certain things about it once again. Weightlifting and strength training have really helped me along.
Not touching a scale also helps immensely. Well that’s not true. I touch it, I just don’t look, my trainer looks and then hugs me. I don’t care for the congratulations on gaining weight so much but whatever, that’s the goal I suppose.

I am a member of Anytime Fitness, I do use it anytime. I have been there after midnight a few times. Before 7am a few times. Mostly I am a day person, when everyone else is slaving away at work I can take my time and push hard without feeling like I look like a dumbass crying over a set of leg extensions.

I am also on Bodybuilding.com where I keep my stats. I will post those over here as well whenever I update them.