Full Monty… not really

5/26/2011
Ready? I am.
Food is my addiction. Duh.
I am tired of it ruling me.
I am tired of giving my power to someone that breaks my heart.
I am tired of abusing myself over the last 20 years of my life.
I am tired of being ashamed of decisions I made.
I will have happiness.
I am SO blessed.
I am SO worthy of love.
I am learning things, actually letting lessons sink in and accept them. Letting go. Fuck that’s a hard one for me when I think I should have what I want. “What do you mean I’m not going to have that? YOU PROMISED. Period. ” Yah, learned the hard way it doesn’t work like that. That was a new experience for me at 35.
I know I am not alone in this. I was lonely in it but that is changing.
Life, life, life. It throws the most unexpected things in the mix.
I can’t recover overnight but I can go forward day by day and learn to love myself again.
You all love me so there must be something here to save.

12/11/2010
Today was a shitty fuckin’ emotional day. Yes, it is hormones. I know, still doesn’t change it.
I was supposed to meet for the afternoon with a friend I haven’t seen in 17 years (go figure, that’s happening a lot the last year) but family came first. He and his wife are in Placerville still so when I make it back there it will be good to reconnect.
I am tired. Tired of thinking, ready to be emotionally braindead for a while. I wish I drank, nah not really. Too messy. Like hating food isn’t a messy disease to deal with. I am a dork.
I don’t want to talk about food, control or not. I also don’t want to be touched, hugged, etc. It won’t make me feel better, read my body language I am pretty sure it says, “stay the fuck away from me. “
I am sure I will wake up sane and logical once again, no violence or fucking foul-mouth needed.
I do believe that my birthday needs to be skipped this year. I don’t want to focus on the letdown. I suppose I can turn my phone off and stay offline. Kinda mean to the friends that want to be loving though. Whatever, it’s my birthday to ignore if I want to.

11/27/2010

All I have to say tonight is WTF?!?

Something happened that I don’t want to talk about but has my little head a-spinnin’.

On one hand, insanely happy. So happy I was shaking from head to toe for, well longer than I would like to admit.

On the other hand, I also cried.

And now I just finished a workout to work off the adrenaline.

As Claire would say “Jesus H.  Roosevelt Christ!”  I have a few choice words of my own to describe my emotions but there are a lot of fucks and mothers and damns that I probably could do without right now.

This just took me by surprise.

11/24/2010

I fully expected to come here more to vent. Guess I haven’t felt very vocal about stuff lately.

Well I have been vocal but all written in notebooks instead of a public forum like here.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I am so thankful that I am where I am, with my family to celebrate all we have.

We are hosting with Mom and Dad, my sister Stacy’s family is coming. I have the turkey in the brine for the night to be baked perfectly tomorrow morning. Sadie helped bake pies today, she made pumpkin bread yesterday. She is becoming quite the baker!! I am doing everything I can not to make any candy, that’s my specialty. But none of us need it. I am sure with Christmas coming there will be plenty of gifted goodies for us to indulge in.

I am at work, bad girl. But it’s slow, I have done my work for the night and since it is -5 outside I doubt there will be many people coming in for rooms.

Future plans. My head is swirling a bit thinking of what I am going to do to solidify my place in this world ;o)  I have a few options. I can try to get in to a program for hotel management or at UTI in Sacramento for auto repair of some kind. I am fascinated with cars and have worked on many, besides the fact that I work well with men and mechanics. I am good with my hands. I am good with people. And I am fucking smart. So there. I do believe I will take a trip to Sac and do a full tour of UTI with my friend that runs the diesel program there. And I have to see about the financial side of things. How can I work and go to school and be a single mom all at the same time after moving to the Sacramento area? Those are things I need to figure out. So, answers are what I seek and will get.

On another personal front, I haven’t gained weight. I am wrapping my head around dealing with the numbers going up and am holding steady after losing more over the last 2 weeks. I just hate food. I hate that I need it.I hate that there are so many choices and it’s hard to always choose the right food. I am not a junk food person, not much of a snacker either. I don’t like feeling full, I would rather feel empty, not hungry but empty. There is a difference and it’s part of my problem.  But I know that and realize that my body does need food to run properly. Argh, I am a natural calorie counter too. Frustrating to know the caloric count of almost all foods and add it up as I go. Don’t like that at all.

Exercise. I miss exercising. I miss it a lot. My stupid sciatica/piriformus muscle issues are just about healed so I have started doing some exercises to strengthen the areas that will help the problem from coming back. Once I couldn’t do the bodyrock.tv workouts anymore I stopped going to the site because it just made me so sad to not be able to work out. But, I went there yesterday and just seeing Zuzanna on the site I got a rush and was so ready to get back to it! I did try a couple exercises I hadn’t dared try and was able to do them, that pleased me immensely. And damn if she isn’t just the hottest body to aspire to! Seriously, I saw her and thought I need to put on some weight! That was a good thing I guess ;o)

So, Christmas is coming. We have snow, we had a blizzard so of course there is snow. The kids are ridiculously excited about having the holidays with snow and Grandma & Grandpa. I am happy to not be alone with the kids doing our first holidays without both George and I. I wish there was some way we could take our one week and go to California for Christmas but I just don’t see how.

I am getting away for my birthday (12-17 in case anyone forgot!) all by my lonesome. I am going to go down to Lava Hot Springs to soak and rejuvenate. Then stay the night away from home and possibly go see Tron. Not sure how my day will actually go and since I don’t like making too many plans ahead of time I am going to stay loose and easy. It’s my birthday, I can do what I want dammit! (that is as long as the weather allows it, damn fucking Idaho winter)

I have other things I want to vent about but right now don’t feel it’s the right time, or appropriate. Another time, perhaps.

For now, I am hanging in there, doing what I can to make the holidays great for the kids! They are the most important after all!

11/13/2010
So that was nice while it lasted.
Okay, I haven’t reverted back to constant pessimism just a hiccup in my day.
I thought after having kids for so many years that the grocery store would be one place we had outgrown being embarrassed. I was wrong. Oh well, it’s just a trip to the store.
You know, I don’t know what it is right now that is trying to push me down. I actually have the thought of looking forward and thinking, “What man in his right mind is going to want any part of the mess that is my life? “
My kids are the least messy part. They are loving, sweet, quirky, funny, happy kids that have taken the last few difficult years and been shining beacons of hope for me. I want to scream, cry, be grumpy, they just play around me and live every day as kids. Granted, they each have their little ways of melting down but I am the most moody by far!
I have ranted about love, being loved, what I expect of love, I am not shut off from love but I am not seeking new love out either. Anyways.
I guess I am just feeling tonight. I hate the feeling. My brother yelled at me that I am turning into a Girl and I need to just stop it! I love him.
Okay, it’s kids bedtime. And I work a full day tomorrow leaving them home alone for the first time ever for that length of time. Nervous but I am just a text away! There will be plenty of those involved am thinking.

11/10/2010
I do believe I am on the upswing. For a pessimist I am pretty optimistic. At the moment.
I have a job, I am good at my job. I wish I had more hours and made a higher wage but it is a job and I am grateful.
My kids are kicking ass at school. All 3 have amazing grades. All 3 have found things they are passionate about ; Trevor loves reading and pulling pranks, Tyler started wrestling and although he doesn’t win matches he is driven in practice and loves his team, Sadie is in yearbook and as always loved taking pictures. She also has done her usual thing as social butterfly and made herself, and her laugh, very well known.
I have accepted the fact that we are here for the rest of the school year unless some miracle happens to get us to Placerville /Sacramento.
We had our first real winter storm, 5″ of snow. The kids made a snowman right away, the neighbor dog ran away with bits and pieces of his outfit. The kids are good at chasing him down and getting their stuff back. Today it was one of Tyler’s snow boots that he left on the porch. We got the boot but not the liner. Damn dog.
There is a lot of work that goes into living in a place with rough, really rough, winters. Rent may be cheaper but you have to buy a ton of shit to survive!
Not sure how my car will survive the winter here. It should be fine, at least the heater works well.
Blah, blah, blah… I am rambling. Must be bored.
Gonna go knit & listen to music, wish I could read at the same time tonight but this sweater isn’t conducive to that.
I could use a good, hard, snort inducing laugh right about now.

I need a page off the main blog page where I can post personal things and not overwhelm the knitters/crocheters that come by for free patterns and oh my gosh… knitting content!
So here it is.